Rumour has it that in certain parts of the country, cyclists now outnumber non-cyclists.
Where once cyclists drew stares and were the object of abuse, now they abide side by side, in harmony with non-Lycra worshipping groups. Tolerance of cyclists is now the norm. Where once hostility to their customs and costumes was socially acceptable, a new era of understanding is upon us.
It is sad therefore to note that factionalism is taking dangerous root amongst cyclists. Followers of Strava insist that there is no such thing as Garmin. Meanwhile, the peaceful hill dwelling communities of mountain bikers find that their traditional way of life is being threatened by an aggressive crusade, in the name of road bikers. In Holmfirth, a vicious civil war is raging as mountain bikers are forced to flee strongholds, such as Longley’s Café, as seemingly unstoppable hordes of undernourished road cyclists pillage every historical source of carbohydrates in their path.
Enforced conversions from mountain biking to road biking are often carried out in public, victims being summarily stripped of baggy shorts and body armour in front of their wives and children. Meanwhile, gels and isotonic drinks are openly on sale on the streets with road bikers as young as 12 developing dependancies on these vile substances.
A new and fundamentalist group is now emerging to take advantage of the breakdown of the old order.
So called Isotonic State who believe that women have no place in the cycle shop and carry out summary humiliations of mountain bikers by cycling past them really fast, are preparing a jihad against believers in hybrid bikes, which they claim are blasphemy.
The self-appointed leader of Holmfirth Halhal Wheelers, Waddy El Arkwright, said that the number of hybrids now fleeing West Yorkshire was reaching a crisis point. Meanwhile, council leaders in South Yorkshire are keeping the borders open to allow hybrid owners and limited numbers of mountain bikers a route to safety.